Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig

Max is en route from California. Thank goodness. I'll pick him up late tonight.

His brother is stable. He'll probably have to have the 3rd surgery this week, depending on the infection they're watching. Following that, he'll be moved from the ICU to the cancer floor. He'll probably stay there another week or so.

Max thinks he'll be home for about two weeks and then will head back out to help his brother put his affairs in order. I don't think there have been any decisions made about future treatment. I think Mike is likely to ditch the chemo and go live the rest of his days on an island somewhere. Really. Sounds kind of nice when you think about it.

I've already decided that I'm not going to weigh in on Wednesday. Everyone has been so kind ... taking me out for dinner, having me over, etc. I need about a week of normalcy to get back on the kinda lame track I had gotten on. I did get to watch one of my friend's toddlers spew carrots last night. That was a special time. For those of you who've been around a while, it kind of reminded me of last April when I was flying to Austin when the man in the seat behind me barfed all over my bare shoulder and hair. Ahh ... memories. :) That's still the most vile thing that I think has ever happened to me. Now, if it had been someone I knew, I think it would have been closer to okay. But, no, he was a perfect stranger with good aim.

Just Thinking About Tomorrow!

First of all, Annie was my absolute favorite movie when I was in 2nd grade, so I think I screamed/sang Tomorrow about a billion times back in 1982. I wanted to BE Annie, despite the whole orphan thing.

Max is supposed to come home tomorrow night. I'm so excited I can't stand it.

His brother is in stable condition for the moment but has to fully recuperate from his surgeries and possible infection from the fecal matter leak before they can assess if he can go through chemotherapy. They are watching careful for infection. If he has an infection, he'll need to have a 3rd surgery to, as Max puts it, hose him down. Gross.

Depending on the outcome over the next few days, Max will stay home for a few days or weeks before heading back out. I hope it's weeks. Their mom is going to stay there until the next step is known.

I have some great friends here. I had done a favor for a friend while he was out of town (had packages come to my house so someone could sign for them), so he took me out for dinner last night. Tonight, one of the girls I sing with (whose husband has befriended Max ... they go bowling together) has invited me over for dinner. Thank goodness. Those, plus Aida on Thursay, have really kept me from going stir crazy the last few days. I did try to sleep in the bed last night, but that only lasted about 20 minutes before I got all sniffly and headed to the couch. How totally pathetic and lame is that? Max thinks it's sweet. I think it's codependent.

So he comes home late tomorrow night, and then has to turn around and be at work at 6:00 on Monday morning. Actually, he's looking forward to getting back to his routine. With his overnights prior to his going to California, we haven't been in our regular routine since early June. The overnight project got completed while Max was gone, thank goodness. I haven't made dinner for the two of us in about a month. I didn't know how much I liked doing that (most of the time).

Anyway, I imagine you are all as sick of hearing about this as I am of living it. I'm going to try to refocus on me now. By the way, my house is almost completely ready for Max to move in except for the room of woe. Now I just have to scrub a few things and clean out the refrigerator, and we'll be ready to go. I started bringing over some random things of his yesterday. I can't believe this is almost ready to happen. I can't wait!

Nonami II

I've got to take today just for me. Is it selfish that I just want my boyfriend to come home? The bed is too big for just me, so I've been sleeping on the couch. Otherwise, I was finding myself reaching for him and crying in the middle of the night. How pathetic and yet sweet at the same time. So, tonight will be my sixth night on the couch. The first two, I tried the bed, and never actually got to sleep.

My friend is playing in the orchestra (violin) of a local production of Aida, so I went and saw that tonight. Then, I went and hung out with her and her husband at their apartment. I've met them through weight watchers. Her husband has lost over 100 pounds, and she has lost 40. They both look awesome! They're big fans of Max as well, so it was good to just get a night out of the house with some friends. Aida was very well-done. The woman who played Aida had an amazing voice, one you usually wouldn't find in community theater. I was pretty much blown away. She stole the show.

I need to spend a little time tomorrow making at least some weekend plans. I've been so ready to drop things at a moment's notice, that I have nothing to do this weekend. I have been going stir crazy. I expect to finish cleaning my house this weekend (all except the Room of Woe). All that's left is that I need Max to help me take the NINE bags of trash and 6 boxes of crap to the garbage and Goodwill, respectively. Then, I can actually clean, and we can start bringing some of Max's things over. I was going to start packing his things while he was gone. But, honestly, he's a total bachelor, and I'm hoping that many of his things never see the light of day in my house. We have a lot of donating to do.

He has some nice things. His couch and coffee table will eventually make their ways into the Room of Woe, and I will sell or donate the 10+ year old couch and love seat I have in there. I'm giving a coffee table and 2 side tables to the couple I mentioned before. Max is also bringing his desktop computer (I only have a laptop issued by the school), as well as a carpet steamer, a DVD player to replace my VCR, and his clothes. Everything else ... I could live without it. So, if I were to do all the packing, I think he'd miss a few things. I'll be a nice girlfriend and at least let him check things off on a list.

I've been meaning to write about this for a while. My very best girlfriend (lives here, but we grew up together in Texas) gained about 10-12 pounds. That means she went from about 115 to about 128. Poor thing. So, she decided to do Nutrisystem and buy a stationary bike. She's down to 115 again. That took about three months! So, she's stopped doing Nutrisystem. But, since she thought that it was 'just way too much food for her' she has a LOT of extras. She gave me some (like 10 dinners)one day to keep at my house for the very few times I'm actually there. They're actually quite good. When I mentioned how helpful they were to have while Max was working overnights for a few weeks, she gave me a ton more (like 30 dinners). It's been so nice to have that since I'm not cooking for anyone right now. Have any of you done nutrisystem? I know Julie from Flip this Body did, but she's the only one I know of. I'm not considering doing it ... just wondering about you guys.

Weigh-In Wednesday

I wasn't sure what this crazy week would have resulted in on the scales. Somedays, I had to remind myself to eat. Other days, I totally made up for that. So, when the WW lady told me I was exactly the same, I was surprised, but knew that it made sense. I have never been exactly the same.

I heard from my gynecologist's office today. They basically said the biopsy showed no signs of cancer or precancerous changes. I still have the HPV, and I'm supposed to have another Pap in 6 months. Phew! We needed no additional drama here.

No new updates about Mike's condition yet. They're supposed to bring him out of his induced coma today. Hopefully, he'll be coherent enough to sign the power of attorney while he's awake.

Unless Mike has a really bad turn for the worse, Max thinks it's best for me to stay here and take care of the cat. I'm totally cool with that. So, I'll be doing that and maybe even tackling the room of woe until then. Max may still need to go back to California for several weeks or months. We'll see what Mike's progress is or isn't over the next few days.

All I know is that Max sounded like himself today ... the first time I can say that in the past week.

Thanks for your continuing support and patience!

Kim :)

Exhaustion

One day I will reclaim this blog to be about me. However, today's not the day. Sorry!

By the way, what follows might be a little TMI.

Mike had an emergency surgery today. It turns out that during his surgery the other day to remove most of his colon, he wasn't sewn up quite well enough. All this intense pain he's been in in the last few days wasn't all from the surgical pain. He's literally had fecal matter leaking into his body since last Wednesday. Max has had such a rough time getting the nurses to help his brother. There seemed to be a much larger amount of pain/psychotic behavior over the last few days than really should have been expected. It turns out there was an actual reason for the severity of the situation.

Mike is out of the surgery -- cleaned up, sewn up, etc. Things are very touch and go. They've induced a coma so he can get some rest and hopefully not feel too much pain. As you can imagine, Max and his mom are beside themselves. He could still die in the next few days -- infection, fever, etc. Max is also convinced that they're not receiving good enough care and enough attention from the nurse staff. I'm not there to watch the goings-on, so I can only listen and report his side of the story.

I think I'll be going out to California at some point before week's end. As Mike was in surgery, I packed a bag of nice (funeral) clothes for Max to take with me. I hope he doesn't need to use them.

I'm exhausted and a little stir-crazy. I had to get out of the house today. So, for the first time in days, I showered, shaved, and headed to the grocery store and to return some library books. As lame of errands as those were, two hours out of the house were great.

I finally called my gynecologist's office today. They told me if I didn't hear the results of my biopsy within 2 weeks to call. I left a message and no one has called me back yet. I pray it's nothing serious. We can't deal with anything else right now, thank you very much.

I'm going to try to go to bed now. That hasn't been so easy lately. The bed just seems so big to sleep in alone. :(

Chugging Along

There has been a little bit of progress in Mike's condition. In addition to the recovery from the surgery to remove most of his colon, another big issue was Mike's psychotic behavior. He was pretty much incoherent for several days. He has started becoming more lucid, but he is in terrible pain. His surgery is recovering, so they moved him last night out of the ICU into a private room. That's a big progression. Yesterday was actually a great day. However, last night, Max stayed in the room with his brother. He says it was a horrible night. Mike was screaming and crying. My heart hurts just thinking about it.

What we basically know at this point is that Mike is going to die from this disease. We still are not sure how he's going to choose to proceed. If he chooses to go without the chemotherapy, he'll definitely be gone in the next twelve months. If he chooses the chemo, we thing he might last 2-3 years.

Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure which he'll choose. Other than Max, their mom, and an uncle, Mike has no other family. No girlfriend, no children, just an ex-wife. I don't think it would be selfish of him to choose against the chemo and to just live out the end of the days more comfortably.

Max feels like he needs to be out in southern California for his brother. At this point, I'm not sure exactly what that's going to entail. He's coming back here to Atlanta on Monday night. He wants me to go back with him next weekend. I think I'll go for a few days and then leave Max there. Someone is going to have to deal with the fact that Mike's house is under construction and will probably need to be sold, that Mike has his own wedding photography business that will probably need to be closed or sold, and that Mike doesn't have any important papers taken care of -- living will, power of attorney, will, etc.

Max is scared to death that if he spends weeks or months out there, I'm going to need to break up with him. That made me cry so much. I'm about 95% certain that we're on the same path here ... marriage some time in the next two years. If that's the case, then I think whatever he needs to do for his brother is fine. It will be hard work, but it's totally worth it to me. I think the only place I would draw the line is a permanent move to California. If Mike is still hanging on next summer, when I'd be able to find a job teaching, I'd consider going there for a year or so, but only on a temporary basis. Now we just have to figure out what to do about his job, insurance, etc. Since Max works for a national company, I'm hoping he can try to get a post out there and actually work a few days a week. Max's uncle has offered to be for 24/7 nursing care if the brother needs it.

So, not only would I not break up with him if he needed to stay a while, but I have several connections in the LA area. People who might be able to give Max a temporary job. People who might be able to bring meals. People who might be able to offer a helping hand. On my facebook account, I noticed that I have 17 friends in the LA area. I've never even been there! Most of them are college friends.

With Max's move to my house upon us, it's probably the best time for this to happen. I need Max here to move some things around. Even if he misses out on the actual move, I know I have friends who would pitch in to help pack, move, and clean his apartment if I needed them.

I think I'm going to have to ignore the room of woe for a few more weeks and tackle it after all this has calmed down. I'll get the entire house ready except for that room. Really, I'll just have to find a temporary space for Max's couch and coffee table (the only things nice enough for him to bring with him). I can squeeze them into my living room and move them as the room of woe empties out. I have a couch, table, and love seat in there that I was intending to sell once I had the room clean enough to see them. Max's furniture will be going in there.

The funny part to me is Butterbean the cat. A few years ago, I would have laughed at you if you told me I was going to be a cat owner. Now, I think I'm going to be living for a little while ALONE with a cat. Who'd a thunk it?

Enough of that. I went to a party last night. Mostly teachers who haven't seen each other since the end of May. I had lots of fun catching up ... hearing about the 7(!) teachers who are currently pregnant and due between October and February. I will not be drinking the water. I made a Cooking Light recipe that had good intentions but was pretty much taste-less. It was called Edamame-Garlic puree. I took that along with a tray of carrots, celery, broccoli, and pita wedges. Even with 10 cloves of garlic, it just tasted like a light green mush. Everyone thought it was tasteless guacamole. It was good to catch people up on what's been going on, have them miss out on seeing Max, and know that I have them as an additional support.

I haven't been doing a lot of eating. I guess that's a good part of this. I've been making mostly frozen dinners since it's easy, and I haven't been to the grocery store enough to have too many snack foods around. Plus the whole sitting around crying and staring at space thing has kind of been keeping me busy.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go home and get the entire house ready for move-in. Max comes in after midnight. We have a lot to do in the few days he's home. Go over what's going to have to get packed while he's gone. Maybe even get a few things packed. Lots to do.

Thanks for everything!
Kim :)

Nonami

I grew up near a street called Nonami. As if the city couldn't come up with just one more name for one more street. That's how I feel today. I can't come up with a title ... so Nonami it is!

Not a lot to report that I have much control over. I went to synagogue tonight to
put in a good word for Max's family. It was nice to know that I had other people pulling for them as well. Of course, I know many of you are keeping us in your thoughts as well. Thanks.

I was going to try to make this post in someway not Max-filled. However, I don't really have much else to talk about right now. And, even though this may not be the exact right forum, it definitely feels good to get it all out there.

First, Max had a terrible experience yesterday getting from Atlanta to southern California. He was supposed to fly from Atlanta to Phoenix to Burbank. His mother was flying to Burbank and was supposed to land about 20 minutes before Max. Max's connecting flight got canceled (not delayed, but canceled). Three hours later, he took a flight to Los Angeles and somehow got the airline to shuttle him the one hour to Burbank. By that time, through phone tag messages, Max learned that his mom decided to stop waiting for him and take a cab to the hospital and hotel. When Max finally got to Burbank, rented the car, and called his mother to get the names and addresses of the hospital and hotel, his mother had TURNED HER CELL PHONE OFF! He was so frustrated and had no idea where he was supposed to go. Long story short, he finally found her, but he had to work very hard to keep his temper. Yesterday was a long day for everyone.

Here's the really sucky part. Max's brother, Mike, has been diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. Of the stages, four is the worst. We were 'hoping' that it was going to be stage 3A, 3B, or 3C (of course, hoping that it was nothing, too). There is basically about a 5% chance that he will live for the next five years. Max says it's a very bad situation. The cancer has spread to a lot of Mike's body already. He will hopefully be starting chemo in two weeks, followed by other treatments as needed.

Mike has other issues as well ... rheumatoid arthritis, Crohns, depression, etc. I don't know if it's because he's been off of his medications, but Mike is having some serious psychotic episodes in the ICU. Honestly, I don't know if he'll make it a few weeks in order to start the chemo. He is barely cognizant of his mother and brother being there with him, and they are starting to think that he may not gain a lot of lucidity back.

Max and his mom went to Mike's house today to start 'putting his affairs in order.' Mike is only 40, and though he owns his own house and business, I don't think he has a will or any of those types of things set up. Mike's house is currently being remodeled, and Max says it's a mess.

Max's mom is doing okay physically right now, but of course, she's having a hard time mentally with the whole thing. As I wrote earlier this week, she has breast cancer. I believe it's in remission, and I think Max once told me that she had had a double mastectomy a few years ago. I'm not sure what it is that keeps her in pain, but she has basically been in constant pain for years now.

I'm praying for all of them. For Mike, who probably won't live another twelve months. For their mom, who is having to watch one of her children die a painful death. For Max, who is trying to hold it all together and be the one who is holding all of the loose strings. I'm also praying for me. It may seem self-centered to do that, but this is also difficult for me. I feel like a total outsider who is supposed to feel like an insider. I've realized that all I can do is be there for Max and listen to him. I've realized that I can't fix this, and that I can't even attempt to.

What a mess. But I am eating pretty well, so that's a good thing. I'm going to a BBQ tomorrow, so I'm going to take a few WW-friendly things. I might actually go to the gym tomorrow too. I think it will help me clear my head.

Thanks again for just listening.

Kim :)